I am a dreamer. Bottom line.
Not sure I really have tips on dealing with disappointment and I hesitated posting this but this is my space to say what I want:)
I’ve always thought I would do all these amazing things…live in other countries, participate in highly acclaimed dance projects, and gain traction in my career as a dancer.
I trained my butt off as a kid, worked 3 jobs to help the cost of it all, and sacrificed my social life to be at the studio. I loved every second of it, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Dance looks like fun from the outside and don’t get me wrong it is, but it can be a hard, ugly, and disappointing world to live in.
Early on I experienced failure vs success and yet it’s still really hard to fail. It’s hard to tell people you got cut when they don’t understand what that means. Does that mean I’m not a good dancer. Probably not. Probably means Sally sue standing next to me would be better for the job. Obviously quality company work is a different story, it’s talent, technique, and performance alone. For commercial jobs it isn’t that simple. It comes down to everything about you. Height, Weight, hair color, skin color, talent, and who you know.
Why do I put myself through it? Failure is hard and especially for me. I have this innate need for everyone around me to see the “perfect” me and not my low points. Doesn’t everyone? I put myself through it because dancing has become a HUGE part of me.
Where is this post going? Well I’ll tell you. I’m disappointed. I’m disappointed my dance career has not gone the way I had always dreamed. I’m selfish in wanting everything. I want an amazing husband with an amazing job yet I want my dream job too. It so happens that Carson’s work and mine rarely exist in the same state. Hence the reason we have lived apart for awhile. What’s wrong with me? I love my husband to death! It’s difficult for me to watch others success (thanks insta) and not enjoy my own. Now I know most of you could argue I have been successful. Yes I have been lucky and I have great teaching jobs now. But I yearn for the stage, class, sweat, and the reward of it all.
So the big question is… How do I deal with this? How do I make sure Carson doesn’t feel like he is tearing me away? I knew what I was doing when I got married and wouldn’t change that for one second. It’s not anyone’s fault… It’s life and I’ve got to figure out a way to live it as it happens rather than wishing for something else. It’s gonna be a serious work in progress but I’m going to start with taking more pride in what I have going right now. I’m going to be proud of my small career at it is and TRY not to envy others dance success. Now if that means I take a few trips to LA a year for class and good dancing then maybe that’s a solution. Sometimes I wonder if I’m supposed to find something else? Hmm like I said work in progress and it’s going to start now.
Xoxo
Jessie ann
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