i lost my identity

I recently stumbled upon a Ted Talk while browsing facebook and it spoke to me in volumes. I’m not going to discuss it too much but if you would like to check it out you can do so here! Basically she spelled out everything I have been feeling lately and helped me feel valid in what I was experiencing. I also came across an article stating that our “online world” is a little too perfect, so I will let you behind the curtain a little bit today. With that being said, you’ve been warned and are free to read on or pass by. But I hope you’ll stay because real talk is important!

I’ve been tied to my title as a “dancer” for as long as I can remember and I find myself a little lost without it. My success, failures, struggles, and triumphs all existed in that realm and I’m not sure I ever had to find myself outside of that. Anyone seen the Disney movie Inside Out? If you have, you could say I have two really large islands. One is labeled “family” (self explanatory) and the other labeled “dancer” which contains everything else. So when Dancer island falters, so does the rest of my world.

I would assume most of us go through this at some point but basically it’s a crisis of identity. Am I important without “I’m Jessie and I’m a Dancer”? Can it just be “I’m Jessie”? Is “I’m Jessie” enough? I’m not asking if it’s enough for you. I’m asking if it is enough for me. Can I feel accomplished, special, and proud of myself without that title?

You may be asking yourself, “why is she freaking out? she’s not done forever, and she freakin lives in spain! What a dream!” Your right. Spain is dreamy! I will agree with you there, but this is no vacation. Vacation is when you get to forget about your life and come back to it a week or two later refreshed. This is life my now. This is my everyday! This is where I want, no need, to find myself. Redefine what my day to day purpose is and what fills my cup. I strongly believe we have to fill our own cup before others can help us fill the last few drops.

So begins the research. What are my interests and can I expand them here? Of course I can. What have I been itching to achieve that I know how the time and space to do so?  In what ways can I fill the need to create? It may be a good start to learn Spanish so I can easily grocery shop, or maybe I’ll take a course on our new fancy camera. The moral of the story is this….I’m a little lost and that is A-Okay. We have to be a little lost to be found right? What a chance I have before me to discover so many new ideas, hobbies, and skills i’ve never tapped into.

Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat Pray Love and my new favorite Big Magic, quoted Jack Gilbert and his advice to his students saying: “He asked his students to be brave. Without bravery, he instructed, they would never be able to realize the vaulting scope of their own capacities. Without bravery, they would never know the world as richly as it longs to be know. Without bravery, their lives would remain small-far smaller than they probably wanted their lives to be.”

So bravery may be my word for life, not just last year. And brave I shall (try) to be!

xoxo